Dear .......,

 I still find the need to write. It has been quite a difficult time. Putting all my siblings to rest and my own vulnerability play over and over in my mind. I like to think that you actually cared at one point. But as the years went by I saw the obvious. It has been years and years of struggle. This covid 19 has not made life any easier. After months of shut downs and isolation it has tried my patience. The last few days my emotions have been scattered up and down. Tired of being alone and all the nonsense that the months have provided. I realize I am not alone in the instance that many people are suffering. Kind of strange that we are living through such times. It is not just my vulnerability but of humans and life in general to battle this the inevitable. 

It is one of those days where I am a bit melancholy with tears for no particular reason. Maybe they are for a reason there is an end to everyone and everything and the choices made either bring peace or not. I always hated the saying "things could be worse." But some how it doesn't make a difference. 

I have been having nightmares and headaches. One of them was with you. I hate when they are so vivid . It is like when you are awake you can't tell if the dream was a dream. 

I keep busy with the chickens because it gives me some focus in this time of shut down. Even that is a struggle today. I had always wished you had cared for me the way I cared for you. That is rare to find. 

I think about you in a positive way for no love could compare to the love that catches you by surprise. It is a Beatles song" that long and winding road."